


The Reigen Epilogue

by WorstGirlEva



Category: Homestuck, モブサイコ100 | Mob Psycho 100
Genre: M/M, The Homestuck Epilogues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 00:59:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19757335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorstGirlEva/pseuds/WorstGirlEva
Summary: Candy or Meat? For John both of these options look horrible so he make his own path, all by himself of course.





	The Reigen Epilogue

So john this is a very hard choice. None of the options are good at all which makes you want to leave and grab fast food, but you didn’t clicked on the Burger King epilogue did you? You clicked on the reigen epilogue, so of course john says:

JOHN: i choose reigen arataka from the hit anime and manga mob psycho.  


CALLIOPE: are yoU going to eat reigen arataka from the hit anime and manga mob psycho?  


JOHN: yes, i mean, no, i’m going to bring him here to help me with this decision.  


ROXY: john im very sorry but reigen isnt real  


JOHN: not in this canon he isn’t.

John whites out from Earth C straight into Mob Psychostuck.

MOB: Ok so for the start of my thesis you need to understand that Final Fantasy 4 and its successors were the only Final Fantasy main line games that allowed for a party of 5 and…

MOB: John why is there a adult version of you there?  


(JOHN): i don’t know mob.  


(JOHN): i really dont know  


JOHN: hey guys im looking for reigen.  


(JOHN): you know, i have a thousand of questions to do right now but instead i’m just gonna point out where he is.  


JOHN: thanks little dude, so in this universe are you like psychic and stuff? i bet you can fly right.  


(JOHN): yeah, i do, i really don’t understand how did you knew that? who even are you?  


JOHN: i’m you but worse  


REIGEN: h  


JOHN: oh hey reigen! don’t worry you don’t have to freak out, i mean i think any normal person would freak out in this situation.  


JOHN: i’m gonna give you a minute to freak out.

Reigen freaks out for a minute

And so John explains that he comes from another universe where Mob Psycho was actually a manga/anime that actually never got to be released because the end of the world came first, but the gang managed to watch it by some timeline bullshit and now John needs Reigen’s help to heal choose between meat or candy.

Wait that doesn't make any sense, why would John would think that? Well anyway he did and he is here now.

REIGEN: do you know i’m like a ghost detective right? i’m not some dude who chooses your meal  


JOHN: you are right. you are much better than a dude who chooses my meals.  


JOHN: you are Reigen.  


REIGEN: yeah, thats my name  


JOHN: oh and before you ask in my universe we are all g-ds and we own the economy so we can pay you handsomely.  


REIGEN: that works, i’m in  


JOHN: bye mob and other john! i will give him back in a few minutes!  


(JOHN): dude i think other me just stole your teacher.  


MOB: teacher…

Back on Earth C Calliope and Roxy knew exactly what John was going to do, but they were still surprised when he did so.

ROXY: what the fuck  


JOHN: hey guys! this is my friend, reigen.  


REIGEN: we are not friends  


JOHN: haha yeah we are not friends, but i hired him to help me choose!  


Calliope: well we already throw that stuff out, tUrns out neither compose an actual meal and we jUst ate some frUit  


JOHN: aw heck. i guess i should cancel your job then?  


REIGEN: john i would be heartbroken if the g-d version of my student’s friend turned out a job  


REIGEN: also where the fuck are we

Reigen, like a normal person freaks out a little more.

ROXY: well worse news, jane is a fascist now? rose called me and said dirk will turn into a anime villain in the future? bad things?  


ROXY: callie i want some more fruit  


JOHN: reigen! now is your chance! you need to teach empathy to my friends so we can heal! you can help us all!  


REIGEN: im not a therapist john  


JOHN: no, you are so much better than a therapist.  


JOHN: you are reigen!  


REIGEN: john, yes, thats my name, whats special about it, ok if you are all gonna make a billionaire i can do it  


JOHN: oh yeah we can!  


JOHN: money is fake anyway.  


ROXY: mister reigen so are you gonna help us  


REIGEN: that is my job

Roxy and Calliope look at each other and nod.

ROXY: do you know about dealing with gender dysphoria?  


REIGEN:...  


REIGEN: john bring me a bottle of water and prepayment, this will be a long day

And it was.

It was a very long day, we cried and fought, we laughed and played Undertale, but we all learned and grew so our- I mean their path to recovery started.

Whatever time it takes for a group of young adults to heal their emotional problems and trauma later.

DIRK: Hey John.  


JOHN: oh hey dirk!

John was on his workout routine. He started going outside, working out, and he is part of (bad) plays that happen on the weekends, it helps his to be part of the community and get in touch with the citizens of Earth C.

DIRK: Looking good.

Dirk is gay, Dirkjohn will be canon.

I mean! Dirk also has healing, he and Dave are part of freestyle rapping groups and dirk finally broke up with Jake for good. They were not good for each other, it was the right thing to do.

JOHN: haha thanks dude.  


JOHN: i guess we really just needed reigen to save us all hm?  


DIRK: Yeah.  


DIRK: John there is something I need to tell you.  


DIRK: It's very important.  


DIRK: I would have told you early but i was scared you would hate me.  


DIRK: But I realized that if you hated me it's fair but i did something wrong and i need to tell you.  


DIRK: Here goes.

Hey John.

JOHN: HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO.  


DIRK: John, i’m sorry!  


JOHN: ok just please don’t ever do that again.  


JOHN: and explain.  


DIRK: I’m my ultimate self.  


JOHN: no idea what that is.  


DIRK: It means that I manipulate the thread of the narrative.  


JOHN: hm, ok.  


DIRK: It also means that I saw some stuff.  


DIRK: Some really bad stuff.  


DIRK: Bad stuff that I did.  


DIRK: I saw myself doing horrible things and it was overwhelming John.  


DIRK: I didn’t wanted to do these things, to be that person.

So I made you bring Reigen here. I was watching mob psycho and reading some meta and I just thought he must be real! In some canon he must be real.  


And I made you bring him here to help us because we would all just do horrible horrible things and I wanted to help us all!

JOHN: you are doing it again.  


DIRK: Sorry.  


JOHN: do you understand that what you did was wrong right?  


JOHN: you had good intentions and good results but you still did it in a bad way.  


JOHN: you used me, you could have just asked me to do that, but you used me and made me do it against my will.  


DIRK: Fuck. John I’m sorry, I just-  


DIRK: You know me! I can’t just ask your help. I wish I could, I’m trying really hard to get better I promise.  


DIRK: That’s why I’m here, to apologize for using you.  


JOHN: look.  


JOHN: i want to forgive you, but it hurts.  


JOHN: it really hurts to know you did this to me.  


JOHN: give me some time ok?  


DIRK: oh, hm. fuck. Ok John I’m gonna leave now and leave you to keep working your hot body out.  


JOHN: dude please don’t.  


JOHN: maybe we can make dirkjohn canon later.  


DIRK: Oh, ok. Sorry bye.

I leave.

I get back.

DIRK: Hey John, don’t you think its weird how out of character we are?  


JOHN: character?  


DIRK: I don’t know. I just don’t think we are really being consistent to our characterization, specially me.  


JOHN: dude, what the fuck are you talking about?  


DIRK: I’m leaving now.

Explain yourself.

Why am I so out of character.

Mostly because I don’t really care and I just wrote whatever came to mind and did no research.

Fuck you.

I’m closing off the fic now. Do you want to say some last words?

Yes i do, I fucking do. Fuck you for writing me like this. Dirkjohn? What degenerate, low tier ship even is that. What is even wrong with you, this even't how you properly format an epilogue. I will have you know that I-

That’s it the fic is done. Thank you all for reading this hell. See you next time.

No! You don’t fucking narratively ghost me. You will listen to what I have to say and you will fix this fic and you-

Look here you little you shit, listen to me. You will grow ok? You are better than that, you will grow and you will flourish and you will be happy? Shut the fuck up about ultimate selves and become your best self for once. It breaks my heart to see you destroy yourself like that. Homestuck was the most important thing to me ever when i was sixteen and you do this to me? You just betray me like this? I’m becoming my best person and so will you. You will fucking grow whether you want it or not. I’m pointing a gun of emotional growth to your head ok, you little shit? Did i made myself clear? DID I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?

You're fucking crazy.


End file.
